I was given these affirmations as a part of a program for writing recovery. I was asked to repeat these twice a day and write any “blurts” or automatic talk-back that I have to these affirmation.

So, of course, the affirmations are becoming all about the blurts. They are turning into a comedy routine in my head. Feel free to add your own smart-ass comments. We can turn it into a drinking game called “How many times can you invoke Syria?”

1. My dreams come from the divine and the divine has the power to accomplish them.
a. I make it a practice not to have dreams. They never turn out particularly well.
b. And the God would do better to intervene in Syria than with me.

2. As I write and listen to the still small voice, I will be led.
a. Unless of course that still small voice is the crazy taking over.
b. Being led doesn’t mean that what I write will be good.
3. Creativity is the Great Creator’s will for me.
Can’t I just be a martyr? That has to be easier.
4. My writing heals myself and others.
a. Or what I write is a big pile of horse poop that makes my wounds and other people’s fester.
b. And what if I don’t need to heal but to grow the hell up? What if I am exactly what the Telegraph accused me of being: a self-pitying whiney looser unable to develop emotionally past the teenage angst years, and that I really do deserve to have my work called (as they did) the worst article of the year.

5. I am allowed to nurture my artist.
a. Seriously, how spoiled does my inner artist need to be? Is there a limit here? If my inner artists needs a massage, a bottle of vodka and chocolate cake, do I just chalk it up as nurturing?
b. Don’t I already get enough nurturing? My family is always nice to me, and I have good friends. That is more than most people get.
c. And really, as my writing idol said, my work is “undisciplined.” My artist needs a drill sergeant to stand over it every morning and yell: “Does da wittle sensatif awtist wanna get its fucking ass out of the fucking bed and do its goddamned job already?

6. Through the use of a few simple tools, my creativity will flourish.
a. Or I will become self-indulgent and pretentious.
b. These tools can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95 (per month, in perpetuity)

7. Through the use of my creativity I will serve the God.
a. That is rather lofty thinking there. At best, I might tickle a few people’s fancy.
b. God kicked me out of service and told me to get a life. I am under strict orders now to get my own shit together before I go meddling with other people’s lives.

8. My creativity always leads me to truth and love.
a. Yeah, right, because writers are known for being warm and loving cuddle-bugs.
b. What is truth even? I can’t write the entire truth about anything because I don’t even know the truth. To tell my own truth is to deny another person’s.

9. My creativity leads me to forgiveness and self-forgiveness.
a. And in similar news, the grass is blue, the sky is green and George W. Bush just confessed he was so drunk throughout his presidency that he just left everything in Cheney’s hands.
10. There is a divine plan of goodness for me.
a. There is a divine plan of goodness? Oh goody! Something else for me to cock up.
b. Really, where was this plan when life was kicking the ever-living shit out of me? If that was part of the plan, I am not impressed with the Divine.

11. There is a divine plan of goodness for my work.
a. That sounds an awful lot like presuming to be the mouthpiece for God. And that always works out well for everyone involved.
b. The idea that God has a special plan for my life is also called “the perfect will of God” and it has been the bane of my existence. The real problem with this affirmation is that I might believe it.

12. As I listen to the creator within, I am led.
a. Right off a cliff. Seriously, following my intuition is right about as often as a coin toss.
b. That is a fucking dangerous way to live.

c. And what of the people in Syria right now? Was their problem that they failed to listen to the creator within?
13. As I listen to my creativity I am led to my creator.
Seriously, can we throttle back a bit on the new age woo-woo crap?
14. I am willing to write.
Eh, more resigned than anything.
14. I am willing to learn to let myself write.
I had better not be a slow learner.
15. I am willing to let the God write through me.
a. Good luck with making those pitches: “I would like to write a piece telling your readers what God wants them to know.”
16. I am willing to be of service through my writing.
a. No blurts for this one other than that I hope that I am able to continue doing that and not be a flake or a Hugo. Oops, that was a blurt.
17. I am willing to experience my creative energy.
I am not exactly sure what this means. But I am dangerous when I start playing with electricity.
16. I am willing to use my writing talents.
The entire teaspoon.

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