The First Book That I Wrote Was Yellow

Trigger Warning

In the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to get to the bottom of why I am struggling so much with my first book. I keep starting something, deciding that it is quite dreadful and throwing it away. I fret; I get completely blocked, and sometimes I have panic attacks just seeing the file labeled “Book.”

Today I discovered why I am having difficulty. It all started with a directed writing assignment: “Write about the worst reception that your writing has ever received or about a time when someone tried to crush your dreams of being a writer.”

It wasn’t until I was half way through the assignment that I realized something pretty important: I am not writing my first book. This is my second.

*****
I wrote my first book when I was still in grade school. The year that I was in the third grade, I felt responsible when my mother had a crappy birthday. I vowed that the following year I would give her a present that would please and astound her so much that it would make up for everything. And so the very next day I began working on it.

My mother had told me that she wanted nothing more than for me to use every talent that I had to serve Jesus, even though I was still just a child. So I figured that I would write an entire book of religious poems for her, one every day that would demonstrate I was doing exactly what she wanted most.

My plan was to write a poem a day, so that at the end, I would have a small book of 365 poems all about Jesus and God and things that would make her happy. Of course, it ended up being closer to one poem every week or two. I hadn’t counted on how hard it would be to find unique ways to rhapsodize about God. By the end of the year, however, I had a respectable collection of more than thirty poems. Not bad for a little kid.

I cannot remember what a single one of those poems were even about. I just remember that the book was yellow. I had found a yellow folder, the kind that has grommets down the center for notebook paper. On it I wrote my title: “A Child’s Garden of Godly Verses” in my very best handwriting. Then I carefully drew a little garden with rows of flowers all in full and vibrant bloom. And I added an illustrated poem as often as possible.

As the time came closer to give her my little book, I became more and more anxious about it. It had not been a good year for me academically. I had reached a point in school where my ADHD and dyslexia were becoming a serious problem. Of course, they were not diagnosed and were treated as rebelliousness, refusing to do good work out of a desire to displease God and I was beaten accordingly. Those problems were also making me afraid of writing, and dreading it as an academic subject. No matter how good my report was or how creatively I wrote a story, I never got a better grade than a C. And although I was having similar struggles in math, they had limited expectations for me there. But I always got in trouble for “squandering the gifts God gave me” when it came to writing.

So by the time that my mother’s birthday rolled around and it was time to give her the yellow notebook, which I had filled at first hopefully and later dutifully, I was filled with anxiety so intense it felt like anguish. I searched around frantically, trying to find another gift so that I could just slip the notebook out of the house and hide it at the bottom of the trashcan. Though even that plan worried me because I feared someone might find it at the bottom of the trash and associate it with me.

As luck would have it, my mother’s birthday was on a Sunday that year. I handed her the book, carefully wrapped in newspaper and tied with my favorite ribbon. She accepted it with all the over-effusiveness to which mothers are prone. She oohed and awed over it in a way that told me that she was glad that I loved her enough to put so much work into it, but that she was not actually impressed by the poetry. I was relieved but still wary. Sure, her mothering instincts had kept her from pointing out all but a few mistakes, and she hadn’t made a move towards punishing me. But what if she showed it to someone else?

That night, my worst fears were realized when she passed my book around the table at a church ice cream social. As I had feared, and despite my best efforts, the book was filled with spelling mistakes and what were essentially handwritten typos. I knew it was going to be bad.

*****

The cult that I grew up in was very small, but not so small that it didn’t have a cliquish inner-circle. It met every Sunday night after the evening services for a little ice cream social at the home of the church’s queen bee.

Everyone in the Queen Bee and the pastor’s favor sat around a large table in her kitchen and gossiped. Of course, they would never call it that, and perhaps I should not either for it is too mild of a word. These were the meetings at which those absent had their characters picked apart and barbequed. This was the round table of the character assassins. It was a favorite hobby of theirs – ascribing evil motivations to benign actions. A person could go home after church on a Sunday night and everyone would still be thinking of them as an upright and God-fearing person. But if they were the subject of a Sunday night session, they would wake up the next day condemned as someone who, at best, was “not right with God.” Sometimes it was decided in these meetings that a person had demons surrounding and controlling them. The ice cream socials often ended with a “Burn the witch!” mentality.

Occasionally someone at the table would be the subject of the night’s festivities, and would leave so emotionally battered it would take months for them to recover. A mob mentality would overtake the group and even spouses would end up joining in a ritual that felt like watching a wolf-pack take down a reindeer.

Occasionally, I was the topic of conversation. This was where some of the more horrifically memorable punishments of my childhood originated. One that stands out in my mind was a punishment inflicted for forgetting what were called “baby verses.” These were passages of scriptures that I had learned when I was very young, and that I should have been able to recall and recite given nothing more than the scriptures reference (ex: John 1:12.) I frequently would panic when given a scripture reference. My mind would go completely blank. When beatings failed to improve my memory, the ice cream social posse came up with a more memorable punishment.

They reasoned that if I could not remember and recite baby verses, I must want to be treated as a baby. So they fashion a diaper for me out a dishtowel and forced me to spend the night wearing that and nothing else. The shame of being a grade school girl forced to wear a diaper was compounded by the shame of being nearly naked. They had ingrained modesty rules into me from a small child. So it was mind-shatteringly shaming to be nearly naked in front of them, to be forced to sit on their laps like a baby when I wanted nothing more than to at least be allowed to slink down into the scrap of dignity afforded by a chair. That was far worse for me than the insult they added to injury, mocking my roll of baby fat and any babyish mannerisms they could find. As I aged, each time that this punishment was inflicted was more traumatic than the last.

*****

Psychologists tell us that memory works in mysterious ways, that sometimes two memories united by the same very strong emotion can become entangled in ways that make them hard to untangle.

I think that is what must have happened for me. Because in my memory of the night that my mother showed my book around, I am naked except for a dishtowel while they rip apart my book for over an hour. I am nearly naked while they tell me how my book disappoints and dishonors God because of the mistakes and poor spelling. In my memory, I am nearly naked and intensely vulnerable when they tell me that it is a horribly shameful thing to be unable to spell correctly, when they tell me that no one will ever read my writing because I spell poorly, that I will be lucky to get a job in an office but that I will be fired just as soon as they find out that I cannot spell. And I am dressed in a tea-towel when I am convicted of not loving God enough to do my best in service for Him.

My punishment for writing my first book was that the following summer I spent six hours a day five days a week writing out every word that I had misspelled in the book correctly ten times in a row. I received one blow with a cutting board across my legs every time that I transposed the word. Transposing a word from the dictionary to my page, which I often did, got me ten blows and then I had to do it all over again the next day.

I finished paying for the mistakes of my first book two weeks before school went back into session. It was barely long enough for the bruises to heal.

*****

When I was in high school, my mother happened across the little yellow book as she was packing to move into the home of her new husband. “Do you want this old thing?” she asked me in an offhanded tone, as if she wasn’t handing me the most shameful manuscript in the world.

I thought about how ashamed I would be if someone found it and I quietly nodded. I hid it in a spot where I knew no one would look, a box of maxi-pads. I transferred it from hiding spot to hiding spot over the years. My husbands never saw it or my kids.

Two years ago we had a fire, and the restoration specialists found it where I had hidden it, between the front and backing of an old throw rug I kept stashed in the back of the linen cupboard. The guy looked at me and it oddly, but asked only if I wanted them to restore it or if it could be photographed and disposed of. I acted as if I wasn’t quite sure what it was and looked at in puzzlement until he was distracted. Then I quietly slipped out of the room. I emptied both of the cat’s litter pans, folded the book into a square and placed it in the center so no one picking up the bag could feel it. I double-bagged it, and then dropped it not into the regular trash, which could be gone through on the way to the dump, but in the one labeled toxic waste.

*****

Now I get to write my second book. I still can’t spell worth a shit and my dysgraphia still makes my work challenging. I know that trolls will sit around in a cyber ice cream social and pan it endlessly. And there is even the possibility that I might even feel punished at some point for having written it.

But the worst has already happened to me as a writer in a free society (barring a Rushdie incident.) I have been shamed beyond the place that I thought that I could bear it and I have been beaten for what I have written.

And I figure it this way: My second book has to get a better reception than my first.

Even if it doesn’t, I am no longer a little girl clothed in nothing more than a dishtowel and vulnerability. I have my dignity, my sense of purpose and the love of non-abusive people.

And despite their predictions, I am a writer. People do want to read me despite my occasional typos.

Here is the promise that I make to myself and to that little kid in the dishtowel: I will never again allow myself to become so ashamed of my writing that I hide it in cat shit. I will embrace my mistakes along with my victories. And no one will ever put me in a dishtowel again.

Why the Dalai Lama Would Divorce My Parents

One of the few relationships that our society still considers non-optional is that between a child and his or her parents. Regardless of how old we are or how abusive our parents are, we are expected to be the bigger person, and to absorb the pain of our parents with little more than an occasional complaint. About three years ago, I divorced my parents, or to be more precise I divorced my mother. I have no relationship to speak of with my step-father. I see him or don’t see him only as a side-effect of being in a relationship with her.

Naturally, I feel like a divorce from my parents wouldn’t be necessary if only I was a better person. But a recent conversation with a friend of mine has me wondering if maybe what I am doing is an act of bravery and kindness, not cowardice and cruelty.

My friend was recently granted an interview with the Dalai Lama. One question he asked his Holiness was, “If you were given an army large enough to drive all of the Chinese out of Tibet, would you use it?” According to my friend, the Dalai Lama first laughed, and then answered, “I hope I wouldn’t.”

Given that the Dalai Lama is committed to freeing Tibet by strictly peaceful means, his reply was unremarkable at face value. On another level, however, his reply was quite remarkable because his Holiness did not answer with an absolute “no,” nor did he launch into a lecture about why it would be wrong to use force. Instead, he said he hoped he would act virtuously should the situation arise.

In other words, even the Dalai Lama acknowledges that given the right confluence of circumstance, personal weakness, and overwhelming temptation, even a man as enlightened as he might violate his most sacred religious ideology.

This brings me to the first of two theories. I think that I may have discovered one of the key differences between your average human and those who have attained enlightenment, Christlikeness, or some other state of advanced spirituality. They do not in any way pass along the abuse, negativity, and pain which is hurled at them. They are like the Universe’s HEPA filters, taking in toxins but not blowing them out again.

All of the people that I know are like me, just normal humans. So it is not surprising that I have yet to meet anyone who, when abused, harassed, or subjected to cruelty, has not either passed that back to the abuser or passed it on to others in some way. We either sling crap back at those who dump on us, or it rolls downhill. I will admit that I have known people who were able to filter for limited times, but eventually they passed on the pain in some way.

One of the most important lessons of my life has been that allowing myself to be the object of harassment or abuse is the same as allowing the abuser or harasser to do that to the people I care about the most. At best, such treatment makes it infinitely harder to be as loving and kind as we would like to be.

Which brings me to my second pet theory. When it comes to relationships, what matters is not how much we love a person but how we feel about ourselves when we are around them. Some people bring out the best in us and others bring out the worst.

After considering the Dalai Lama’s words in the context of my own life, I have realized that there is a key difference between most people and those who have attained enlightenment, Christlikeness, or some other state of advanced spirituality:

Next, I thought about how this dynamic manifests itself when it comes to relationships, and I came to another realization:

What matters most is not how much we love a person, but how we feel about ourselves and how we behave when we are around them.

Some people bring out the best in us and others bring out the worst. I had a boyfriend who was an incredibly kind and decent person, but something about how we interacted brought out all of my incompetence. To this day, when I am around him I begin to feel dependent, needy, and inadequate. I do not like the person I become with him.

Like enlightened people who are HEPA filters, a person of unlimited virtue would be able to maintain her true sense of self regardless of who she was with. But I am just a human, and so I am influenced by the people around me.

How is this relevant to the discussion of divorcing my parents? I believe that separating ourselves from people who abuse us or who bring out the absolute worst in us is not at all selfish. Rather, it can be a kindness not only to those we care about who inevitably suffer the fall-out, but also to the people abusing us.

Perhaps the best way to illustrate this would be to share the other half of the story that I started in my article on why it is sometimes necessary to divorce our parents..

The Thanksgiving after my mother-in-law died, my mother was especially unkind. The following day, our family was looking forward to putting up the Christmas tree and watching old movies. This is one of our very few family traditions, and it is something I have always loved, a sweet trip down memory lane as a family. That year, the celebration should have been even more treasured since it was my daughter’s first holiday home from college.

Instead, I spent the entire day obsessing over how I would manage my mother’s Christmas visit. I agonized about the tree, trying to make sure it would not offend her religious sensibilities or hurt her feelings because I had forgotten to hang ornaments she had given us. I ended up leaving in the middle of an important family event to ransack the storage area looking for ornaments that would please her.

When I came back from the angst-induced ornament hunt, my husband and children sat me down for a good old fashioned intervention. They went around the room, each person telling me how my how my relationship with my mother had negatively impacted them and how they saw it negatively impacting my work and my health. They asked me to take at least a three-month break from my relationship with her.

I imagine people who are not ready to get sober have much the same reaction to an intervention as I did. I did not believe that my relationship with my mother was a serious problem, and I imagined that I could control any negative impact if I truly set my mind to it. But just to set my family’s mind at ease, or perhaps to prove them wrong, I agreed to give up contact with my mother except for sending holiday and birthday gifts.

I cannot begin to explain how difficult and painful it was to make that separation. Frankly, divorcing my mother has been far more painful than ending my first marriage, which included a the five-year custody battle. I have been wracked by guilt. It isn’t just that I am causing my mother pain; I am not feeling what I believe I should feel.

For example, I worry about her all the time, but I don’t miss her. I feel sad for her and guilty about excluding her every time we celebrate a holiday or major event like my son’s graduation. But I am inevitably relieved that she is not there, and delighted by how much fun we have without her. I am saddened by her pleading letters, deeply hurt by the blaming letters she sends, and enraged by the things she tells other people about me. But none of those things make me want to open a conversation with her or try to reconcile with her. I now realize I have always been afraid of her and how much better my life is without her in it.

It isn’t just that my life is better without her in it. I am a better person without her in my life. With each passing month, I have come a little closer to being a person who respects herself. Two years after the break, I had a genuine moment of epiphany: If I never renewed my relationship with her, I would never again have to answer to her. The punishing mother/frightened daughter dynamic was gone. And just like that, I began writing prolifically. I realized that I didn’t hate writing. Rather, I had been paralyzed by my anxiety about how my mother would respond to what I wrote.

Recently, we had another family vote. As per usual, I wanted us to renew and restore our relationship with my mother. My family voted against it. Despite the family vote, I felt I had to give it one last try. So I had a brief online interaction with her.

I did not like who I became—at all. As a person who values kindness, it pains me to admit that I said something for no reason other than to cause her emotional pain. I stopped short of cruelty, but it was enough to help me see my limitations around the kind of person I am capable of being with my mother.

Like the Dalai Lama, I do not trust my virtue in certain situations, nor should I. I realized that in a moment of weakness or overwhelming temptation, I could do or say something cruel. And that is not the person I want to be.

Now, on those days when I want to hate myself for not forgiving and reconciling with my mother, I remind myself that there are some things that even spiritual masters know better than to trust themselves with. And I tell myself that even the Dalai Lama would have divorced my parents.